Consent is a voluntary, enthusiastic, and clear agreement between the participants who engage in a specific activity. It is important to ask for consent before any physical activity (even with people who we have been engaging in similar ways in the past).
When you are being asked for consent, we encourage you to take a few seconds to feel into it before you answer. Does it feel like a “Hell YEEES!” ? a “maybe” ? a “No”?
A no is a no, don’t try to influence a no. A “maybe” is a “no”.
If the “yes” of a person doesn’t feel like a “Hell yes” to you, consider asking the person to take a bit more time to feel into it or ask again a few minutes later.
It is completely ok and even encouraged to give “No”s. Don’t be afraid that the other person will feel rejected. A no is a gift. A gift to you and to the other person who doesn’t want to end up in an abusive position. We invite you to give thanks to “No”s, e.g. “ thank you for taking care of yourself”, “thank you for voicing your boundaries”. If you receive a “no” from somebody you can also trust this person to give you a real “yes”.
Remember a “No” to somebody else is a “Yes” to yourself.
Never assume consent! And keep in mind that consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Suggestions
Communicating about boundaries before going into sexual activities with somebody
Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
Be clear and honest about what you want to ask e.g don’t ask for a cuddle if you want to be sexual with the person
Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
Let space and time for the person to answer and don’t insist
Suggest alternatives
Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.
Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still okay?”, “does it feel good”? “how could it feel even better?”
Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.
Learn to detect body “No”s (tense body, look in another direction, …)
The clearest communication is usually verbally, but also check for body signs of your partner, and if you don't think they enjoy or are relaxed in the situation, voice it and ask how they feel.
Suggest to stop with a yes: e.g. ask “would you stop now?” rather than “Do you want to continue” because it is always more difficult to voice a “No” than a “Yes”.
We encourage you to discuss about RBDSM (Relationship status, Boundaries, Desires, Sexual health, Meaning (and after care)) before going deeper into sexual activities.
Non-verbal consent
We encourage consent to be expressed verbally but in certain situations is it useful to also communicate & listen non verbally. Be aware of the non-verbal clues of your partner. Look them in the eyes. Observe their body movements and breath. The quality of your touch also plays a role, use the back of your hand in a first approach and always move slow enough to give your partner time to react to your actions. The slower the better. Also be aware that a lot of people tend to “freeze” when in “dangerous” situations. Always check-in with your partner if you feel that something is off.
Strategies to communicate consent non-verbally:
Redirection: I move the hand of my partner to put it somewhere else I feel more comfortable
Hold a hand on my partner’s hand means “go slower”
Double tap on my partner’s hand means NO
Triple tap means I don't want to interact with you
Consent bias
Be aware of consent bias in particular in situations where people have different power positions (e.g. somebody organizing an event initiating with a participant, someone being taller / older / feeling more experienced etc).